Dear Girl

I have said what I needed to say. The apologies. The pride. The gratitude. The advice I wish someone had given you.

But there is one more thing.

I forgive you.

For the times fear won and you stayed small when you could have stepped forward. For the relationships you stayed in too long and the ones you left too soon. For the words you swallowed and the words you should have.

I forgive you for not knowing what you did not yet know. For being human, uncertain and limited and doing your best in the dark.

And I need you to forgive me too.

For the silence when you needed defense. For the pushing when you needed rest. For the shame I let you carry about who you were before you had finished becoming.

We were hard on each other. Harder than we needed to be.

But here is what I know now. A woman who loved deeply even when love was difficult. Who built steadily even when the building was slow. Who kept going even when the reasons to stop were louder than the reasons to continue. Who arrived, finally, at a life that is genuinely hers.

That is the whole story. Everything else was the path to it.

I forgive you. I forgive us both. And in the forgiving, I am setting something down I did not know I was still carrying.

We are free now, girl. Both of us.

You are in everything I am. The way I move through a room. The way I love, complicated and full and still a little afraid. You are in the garden I sit in when I need to remember I am home. You are in every word I write.

Thank you for starting it. Thank you for not stopping. Thank you for being exactly who you were, so I could become exactly who I am.

I love you, girl. I always did.